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old but worth the read -
I just want to thank all of you
> for your educational emails over the past year.
>
> Thanks to you, I no longer open a
> public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
>
> I can't use the remote in a hotel
> room because I don't know what the last person was
> doing while flipping through the adult movie
> channels.
>
> I can't sit down on the hotel
> bedspread because I can only imagine what has
> happened on it since it was last washed.
>
> I can't enjoy lemon slices in my
> tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels
> have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs
> including feces.
>
> I have trouble shaking hands with
> someone who has been driving because the number one
> pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose
> (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number
> one spot)
>
> Eating a Little Debbie sends me on
> a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many
> gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the
> years.
>
> I can't touch any woman's purse
> for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public
> bathroom. Yuck!
>
> I must send my special thanks to
> whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on
> envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
> with every envelope that needs sealing.
>
> Also, now I have to scrub the top
> of every can I open for the same reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings
> because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who
> is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
> time.
>
> I no longer have any money at all,
> but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that
> Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
> participating in their special e-mail program.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul
> because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me,
> and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>
> I no longer eat KFC because their
> chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no
> eyes or feathers.
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing
> deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo
> on a hot day.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that
> my prayers only get answered if I forward an email
> to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
> minutes.
>
> Because of your concern I no
> longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
> stains.
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline
> without taking someone along to watch the car so a
> serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
> pumping gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr
> Pepper since the people who make these products are
> atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their
> cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the
> microwave because it causes cancer.
>
> And thanks for letting me know I
> can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore
> because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
> for life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return
> on pay phones because I could be pricked with a
> needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls
> because someone will drug me with a perfume sample
> and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from
> UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in
> disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since
> they are French and don't support our American
> troops or the Salvation Army.
>
> I no longer answer the phone
> because someone will ask me to dial a number for
> which I will get a phone bill with CALLS TO
> Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies
> from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use
> anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African
> spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
> death when it bites my butt.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I
> can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot
> because it probably was placed there by a sex
> molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>
> I can no longer drive my car
> because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to
> at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a
> large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
> 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12
> camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a
> hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
> actually happened to a friend of my next door
> neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
> cousin's beautician...
>
> Have a wonderful day...
>
> Oh, by the way.....
> A German scientist from Argentina
> , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people
> with insufficient brain activity read their
> e-mail with their hand on the
> mouse.
>
> Don't bother taking it off now,
> it's too late
Tags: sillies
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