Subject: Drunken Irishman



Paddy had been drinking at his local  Dublin pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender, says 'You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy.'



Paddy replies 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'What the....' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.  He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. 'Damn!' he says. He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the  pavement and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus... I'm soused,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No flappin' way.'

But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, 'I think I can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again.

He says, 'This is hell.  I gotta stop drinking,' but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in. The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?' Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was totally pissfaced. But how'd you know?' 'Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

Subject:  Your Riddle For The Day!!!
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Your riddle for the day.....

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )
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  The answer is: "A Last Name."

You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke,

Grandmas
  Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a Nursing home.   About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."   The old man said, "There isn't no way you can guess it, you old Fools."   One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."   Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.   The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.   Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"   Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,"How in the world did you guess?"   Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old   Ladies happily yelled in unison... "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down       Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.    
  Now here are the rules from the male side.       These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!     1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports : It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball , or Football,
or golf, or $ex .

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
   Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Breeding Bulls  

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.  We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'   My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'  

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'   My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week!  You could learn a lot from him.'  

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'   My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day.  You could REALLY learn something from this one.'  

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'  

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away.