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WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES
DATE: 03/20/2010 16:24:19 / MOOD: happy
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary.....
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary…
Day 983 of my captivity....
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe, for now....
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interesting -
DATE: 03/20/2010 16:23:06 / MOOD: happy
copy and paste in your browser -
WHEN WERE YOU BORN?
_1900_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1900.html )
_1901_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1901.html )
_1902_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1902.html )
_1903_ ( http://www.infoplease..com/year/1903.html )
_1904_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1904.html )
_1905_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1905.html )
_1906_ ( http://www.infoplease..com/year/1906.html ) _
1907_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1907.html
_1908_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1908.html )
_1909_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1909.html )
_1910_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1910.html)
_1911_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1911.html )
_1912_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1912.html )
_1913_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1913.html )
_1914_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1914.html )
_1915_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1915.html )
_1916_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1916.html )
_1917_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1917.html )
_1918_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1918.html )
_1919_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1919.html )
_1920_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1920.html )
_1921_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1921.html )
_1922_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1922.html )
_1923_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1923.html )
_1924_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1924.html )
_1925_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1925.html )
_1926_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1926.html )
_1927_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1927.html )
_1928_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1928.html )
_1929_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1929.html )
_1930_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1930.html )
_1931_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1931.html )
_1932_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1932.html )
_1933_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1933.html )
_1934_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1934.html )
_1935_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1935.html )
_1936_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1936.html )
_1937_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1937.html )
_1938_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1938.html )
_1939_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1939.html )
_1940_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1940.html )
_1941_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1941.html )
_1942_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1942.html )
_1943_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1943.html )
_1944_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1944.html )
_1945_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1945.html )
_1946_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1946.html )
_1947_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1947.html )
_1948_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1948.html )
_1949_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1949.html )
_1950_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1950.html )
_1951_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1951.html )
_1952_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1952.html )
_1953_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1953.html )
_1954_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1954.html )
_1955_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1955.html )
_1956_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1956.html )
_1957_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1957.html )
_1958_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1958.html )
_1959_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1959.html )
_1960_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1960.html )
_1961_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1961.html )
_1962_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1962.html )
_1963_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1963.html )
_1964_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1964.html )
_1965_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1965.html )
_1966_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1966.html )
_1967_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1967.html )
_1968_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1968..html )
_1969_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1969.html )
_1970_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1970.html )
_1971_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1971.html )
_1972_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1972.html )
_1973_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1973.html )
_1974_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1974.html )
_1975_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1975.html )
_1976_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1976.html )
_1977_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1977.html )
_1978_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1978.html )
_1979_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1979.html )
_1980_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1980.html )
_1981_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1981.html )
_1982_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1982.html )
_1983_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1983.html )
_1984_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1984.html )
_1985_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1985.html )
_1986_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1986.html )
_1987_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1987.html )
_1988_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1988.html )
_1989_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1989.html )
_1990_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1990. html )
_1991_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1991.html )
_1992_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1992.html )
_1993_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1993.html )
_1994_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1994.html )
_1995_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1995.html )
_1996_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1996.html )
_1997_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1997.html )
_1998_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1998.html )
_1999_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1999.html )
_2000_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/2000.html )
_2001_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/2001.html )
_2002_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/2002.html )
_2003_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/2003.html )
_2004_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/2004.html )
_2005_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/2005.html )
_2006_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/2006.html
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Mensa
DATE: 03/20/2010 16:19:18 / MOOD: happy
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high up.
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
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A Woman's Dictionary
DATE: 03/20/2010 16:16:08 / MOOD: happy
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. *
* **
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, mari- nated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a basketball game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, breath, push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself ...anyway. *
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You've got Male!
DATE: 03/20/2010 16:14:17 / MOOD: happy
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You’ve got Male!
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Ron's on Fox News!
DATE: 07/20/2009 15:45:50 / MOOD: happy
 I just watched Ron on Fox News! Anyone else see it!
Gee Ron - the chicken and biscuits looked good!
KW
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t'was the day before Easter....
DATE: 04/11/2009 05:36:43 / MOOD: happy
T'was the day before Easter -
and all through the house............................
the dough for the Easter bread is on it's first rise - just need to punch down, braid and stick the eggs in the braid and bake
the eggs are all dyed
the baskets are made (so is the chocolate)
ham's in the fridge for roasting tomorrow
the plastic eggs are filled and ready for tomorrow's Easter Egg Hunt (I hope I have the energy for that one!)
2 more loads of laundry and that's done
make my jello eggs next - and pies when the Easter bread comes out of the oven
then polish the furniture
and hopefully find the time to cut my hair
(just not enough hours in a day)
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NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
DATE: 02/23/2009 12:55:56 / MOOD: happy
(1) Fine: This is the word when use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!
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MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
DATE: 02/23/2009 12:53:49 / MOOD: happy
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
- If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
- If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
- When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
- A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
- The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
- A woman has the last word in any argument.
- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
- A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
- Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
- A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
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